Valentine Grams: A Terrifying Ordeal


Student council members sitting at their throne of Valentine power.

The concept of Valentine’s Day is a corporate scheme to gain more money from a holiday that holds little to no religious or cultural significance. The best part of Valentine’s Day is February 15, when Walgreens slaps discounts on leftover teddy bears, discarded chocolates, and half-wilting roses. Each year, we buy into their capitalistic cash grab and purchase billions of dollars worth of cheesy junk for our significant others.

Among these: The Candy Gram.

Commercialization is a staple of a healthy American relationship. Movies showcase big and expensive dates. Marketing campaigns are specifically aimed at people currently in a relationship. Your love life hinges on how much money you’re willing to spend.
But Candy Grams are fun and lighthearted. They shouldn’t be taken seriously and are often not as weighty on the bank. A cheap, fun, alternative to the hyper commercialization of Valentine’s Day. However- there’s a terrifying ordeal to be had by many single high schoolers at the beginning of February. When Student Council rolls out their posters and pink, candy-filled table at lunch, life changes. The pink and red heart-shaped streamers gleam menacingly from bulletin boards in the hallway. Loneliness eats away at the bones of those with broken hearts. The world now revolves around one thing and one thing alone- love.
And one question still remains:

What happens to single students who get the dreaded Candy Gram?

The first thought would be that it’s from a friend or a parent. But on the off chance that it isn’t, what does that mean? When an admirer remains anonymous, what’s the best guess? It could still be a friend, it could be someone else entirely. It could be a kind gift, it could be a cruel joke. The Lord above only knows the true intentions of a Candy Gram.
With the addition of a song option upon delivery of Candy Grams this year, they have now become about ten times more terrifying.

The image is clear: A student council member opens the door, you lock eyes. Your name falls out of their mouth. They open the door wider and the entirely of the Guitar 1 class enters your second block. You hear the first note of ‘Careless Whisper’ by George Michael. Dread envelops you as a single tear streams down your face. Your head falls into your math notes. Twenty-four pairs of watching eyes stare at you as the amateur guitar players strum away.

Needless to say, things have only gotten worse. Not only will most students be spending Valentine’s Day alone, but they’ll be spending it with the knowledge that anyone around them could send them a Candy Gram with a live saxophone player attached at any moment of the day.
There is more palpable dread in the air on Valentine’s Day than there is during finals week. At least during finals, students know what they’re in for.

On Valentine’s Day, anything can happen.